


Introspection: Julian

by Xenobotanist



Series: Introspection [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, POV Julian Bashir, Pining, Pre-Slash, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenobotanist/pseuds/Xenobotanist
Summary: A vignette of inside Bashir's head, set some time mid-series.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak
Series: Introspection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726831
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Introspection: Julian

Awkward and over-excited. Just a little too much. That’s what his peers would say.

Brilliant but prone to fixating. Most likely to become a workaholic, and least likely to be popular. His professors.

He could psychoanalyze himself, too, you know.

Uses sexual intimacy to replace the normal friendships that seem out of reach. Smart, but not smart enough to comprehend and utilize the finer points of social interaction.

Why isn’t everyone else as passionate as him? What’s the point of living, of working, of doing ANYTHING _,_ if you’re not going to take pride in it and enjoy it? Why is his enthusiasm seen as juvenile, immature? Why is it necessary to put on a blank face and stoic attitude to be called professional? He supposes if he knew the answers to these questions, maybe he’d be more successful in interpersonal relations.

He wishes it was a façade; he’d like to pretend it’s all an act to hide his augmentation. But it’s not.

Somehow these lunches are more fulfilling than any of his discussions with colleagues or games with friends. Here, he feels challenged and VALUED. Truly listened to. He might be teased, but never ridiculed.

There’s no pressure to say the right thing. He doesn’t have to hold back for fear of intimidating or offending or—god forbid—being called a show off. He can give and take and not be JUDGED.

If anyone asked him (although they never did) who his best friend was, he’d say Miles without hesitation. But if someone asked who knew him best, well, wouldn’t that be Garak? He _plays_ with Miles; he drinks and sings with Miles and plays darts with Miles.

But when he makes a new discovery in his lab, the first person he wants to tell is Garak. Garak would ask details; he’d want clarification. He’d congratulate Julian on his excellent use of his cerebral capabilities. Then Julian would want to tell Dax; she appreciates the scientific aspect of him at least. Then maybe Captain Sisko, in hopes of a fatherly pat on the back. And eventually he’ll tell Miles. Who may or may not understand, who might just nod his head and take a drink without saying anything at all.

And when he goes home at night, it’s not Miles that he talks to in his head. He doesn’t rehash a dart game or dissect how they could have won (or lost) a battle differently in the holosuite.

He analyzes every word, every expression, every nuance of the conversations at lunch. He makes furious notes in his padd about some new aspect of the literature they’d shared, or about a topic to bring up next time.

He tries out his newest theories when he pictures Garak sitting in the chair by his bed, hands steepled, serene expression on his face, head tilted in attention.

And then he puts on his pajamas, and climbs into bed, and as he’s dozing off, sometimes…he’ll picture Elim. Not Garak. Elim is sitting on the side of his bed, telling him about Cardassia. About hot, dry deserts so like the home of his ancestors on Earth. His calm, warm voice is soporific and comforting.

He dreams of waking with his head in Elim’s lap, his arms wrapped around his legs while Elim plays with his hair. He watches over him, and Julian has never felt so safe. He rubs his face on Elim’s thigh, and breathes his scent in. He tilts his face up a little, toward the warmth between the other man’s legs. Elim laughs quietly, with just the right amount of wicked.

He wakes in the morning and realizes that this alien makes him feel more like a human than ever before.

**Author's Note:**

> Julian's self-esteem definitely increases throughout the series, so I'm thinking about doing a second one set somewhere around season 6 or 7.


End file.
